Just breathe 2019
I remember well the first two times my easy flowing breath was caught in fear. It felt like I was going under a big dark wave and I could feel the power of the wave push me down with such a force that struggling to get back up both times and take a deep breath was very hard to do. It felt like rapid short breaths. Pulse racing. Mind boggled. Hurt heart. Many questions. The third time it happened, when the wave of fear and unknown and undesired circumstances happened, I didn't come back up for air. I was ready.
I have lived my life that way for going on 15 years. It has not been about thriving. It has been about surviving. Sometimes surviving well, sometimes barely holding on. I have lost sight of things that I used to hold dear and they floated away. I exchanged it for a life of holding my breath underwater.
Fear does that. It makes me hold my breath and the unknown and the puzzle pieces that go into the unknown in my experience have had paralyzing effects. I learned to shut down, push people away, build up walls, and do all that I could to protect myself and my kids.
It has gotten me this far. I am doing well. If you saw me, if you worked with me, if you went to church with me, you'd say, "Oh, surely not her. She looks like she has it all together."
I don't. It is a facade. I am not breathing. I am about to explode because holding in my breath has hurt me. I have let those situations that cause me fear have more power over me.
Even though I went to church. Even though I sang in choir. Even though I did my best to volunteer. Even though I did my job well. Even though I was a good mom. I did it underwater holding my breath.
There is a song I like, called Breathe by Jonny Diaz which I have heard many times and I thought it was all about being busy, but the words that caught me in the car after Christmas was to just breathe. That has been my prayer in my prayer journal for a few weeks. That is why I heard it and the lyrics whispered to my heart, Dear sweet girl, you've been striving and not thriving. It is time to thrive.
"Breathe, just breathe Come and rest at my feet And be, just be Chaos calls but all you really need is to take it in, fill your lungs The peace of God that overcomes Just breathe (just breathe) let your weary spirit rest Lay down what’s good and find what’s best Just breathe."
Here we are on the first day of 2019 and I am going to declare that I will be breathing on my own by the grace of fresh and new air from God in my lungs that makes me whole, complete and a chosen daughter of the most high God.
Maybe you too need to breathe. I will be praying for you.
God, I exchange the robes of fear that I have worn over me like sackcloth for your robes of righteousness and for the full armor of God. No weapon formed against me will prosper and I will be full of peace that is found in you only. God, I am done holding my breath and trying to do this victorious life. There is no victory when I can't thrive in you. For me, thriving means breathing fresh and new day by day knowing that you are God, I am not and you are my full portion and you fill me with air to breathe. I love you, Lord.
